for Newtown.

I sit watching Mickey’s Christmas Carol, holding my 5 year old son in my lap

but my mind is far away

seeing a carefully selected present arrive in the mail

for the child who didn’t come home.

I wonder if I were the neighbor

and knew what it was

would I intercept it?

I listen to my 7 year old daughter play Jingle Bells on the piano

but my mind is far away

hearing a sister ask her mom if Santa delivers presents to Heaven.

I imagine a broken mom saying yes, 

as she pictures presents carefully hidden in the closet

because, what else could she say?

Candles lit in my window and around the world

prayers in every language;  All of us wishing to be Superman 

spinning the Earth back, and 

in the absence of that, doing what we can. 

Moms everywhere are holding their children tighter

eyes tearing, heart aching.

And though I’m so grateful to hear my children 

fighting over whose lego spaceship is for good guys 

and whose is for bad... 

my mind is far away.

I think about the mom who can’t yet even consider the prayers sent her way.

Instead, I wonder if she wondered if the heat at school was left on that night

while the coroner worked 

or if her baby was cold. 

She is being told to be strong for her surviving children, 

while I can barely be strong for mine. 

God, I can’t stop the tears from falling.

I try to be thankful for the blessings I have

but joy feels like a slap in the face to 20 families

who can’t stop picturing their child’s last moments.

I’m so angry at you God.

yet, I beg to you on my knees.

I beg you to send angels to wrap these families tight

in loving embraces so strong they’ll stop shaking.

I beg you to heal the siblings and students whose

nightmares are just beginning.

I beg you to bless everyone involved so abundantly

that they never ever suffer for even a moment ever again.

I beg you,

please God,

help us.

Help us figure out how to stop

these tragedies, 

these killings,

this hurt.