Friday, August 23, 2013

Sex. talk. fail.

I was totally ready.

I knew the ABCD's.

A-answer the question they ask.
B-be matter of fact.
C- cut the extraneous information.
D-don't be embarrassed or shaming or condescending.

Oh, and don't freeze, like me, today, in the car with all three kids (ages 7, 6 and 3), when the question came out of the freaking clear blue sky.

"How do babies get in tummies exactly?"

Now before we get to this one, let's just say that despite being ready... I had failed before.  For example, when my middle child at age 2 was sitting on the potty and was checking himself out.

"Mommy, what's this called."

"That is your penis." simple. I rule.

"No, not this," he said annoyed shoving his penis out of the way and taking hold of the package behind it... "THIS, what is this called?"

My mind reeled.  And I didn't have much mind left, 3 kids under 4, including a newborn, no sleep... (yes I'm giving lots of excuses... you'll know why in the end I feel excuses are necessary)

anyway, do I say balls? no... testicles? scrotum? these are not 2-3 year old vocab are they?? and what came out of my mouth was bad.  It was really pretty bad.  And from that experience I learned that "I don't know, ask your father," will be my go to answer for all male anatomy questions from then on.

I fared a little better when my other, less detail oriented 3 yr old son was a witness to me sitting on the potty.

-Side note, gotta admit that I can't wait for when going to the bathroom no longer requires an audience.-

"Mommy, are you going poop?"
"um, no, buddy I'm going pee pee, can I have some privacy?"
"Wait, you can not go pee pee, you do not have a penis."
"Well, that's true, but girls still go pee pee."
he looked confused for a bit but then worked it out in his head, "you go pee pee from your butt?"
"kind of,"
"Ha! that's weird." and he walked out.
 I consider that talk a success.

Fast forward back to the van with a couple failures, a couple successes under my belt.

I can do this.

I went through all the tips described above and immediately threw them out the window.  Surely people who said 'they'll be ready to know the truth when they ask,' forgot to think about the little siblings that may be around.

So I took a breath, reasoned that it was logical and simple, and said, "Love."

"When people get married and love each other very much, that makes a baby."

yup. I said it. And, I reasoned to myself... I wasn't exactly lying... people do call sex 'making love,' so indeed love does make a baby, hurray me.

Until, of course, the follow-ups start coming from the booster seated press corps.

B (age 6): "Wait wait, hold on. So you're saying people just really really love each other and a baby starts growing? just like that?"
M: (age 7): {heavy sigh} "No. There is obviously more to it than that, right mom?"

"uumm not really, I mean, yes, I guess, technically speaking there is more scientific stuff going on."

M: "Ok, well, that's what we want to know."
B: "yeah, we want the scientific details."
J (age 3): "sfientific Yeah!"

sweat is breaking out on my brow,  my hands are kneading the steering wheel like dough and I sound like a yogi. "ummmmmmmmmmmm."

My eldest saves me.

M: "Or... is it gross... like one of the gross things that girls have to deal with."
B: "Hey, boys deal with gross things.  We like mud and worms and..."
J: "poop! poop is gross!" (because he is helpful in all conversations these days.)
M: "No, boys, I mean there are some things... "
B: "I can understand anything you can!!"

and so it devolved into a glorious fight amongst themselves until we arrived at our destination and the focus immediately turned to the reason for our journey to the store.

So did I maybe leave it implied that sex was a gross thing to deal with later instead of a beautiful gift from God?

Damn straight I did.  And it bought me some sweet precious time.

Because the last thing I need is another fail... like telling my son his testes are called... sigh...
bon bons.

I'm praying he was too young to remember... but it will forever be my fault when he inexplicably giggles inappropriately when someone uses the phrase, "sitting at home eating bonbons."

thanks for reading and good luck on talks in your future


Saturday, August 10, 2013

giving what I need

I can easily get to the ugly place of feeling sorry for myself.

Don't get me wrong, at the exact same time,  I can be appreciative of how lucky and blessed I am and still yet, somewhere in the dark folds of my brain think,"I AM blessed and lucky... so why aren't I better, happier, more productive.... sigh. poor me."

Recently I was lamenting on how I didn't feel supported by my loved ones.  I felt like there were all these people around me that knew my goals and hopes and yet no one was going out of their way to ask me how the book was coming, or if they could read what I had so far.

Poor me. No one cares.  My dream doesn't matter.  How can I go on without support?

I was recently talking with one of these awful unsupportive people when, in a moment of wine induced clarity, I realized I had never asked once how their dream was going.  Though I also knew all about their goals, I had never offered any direct support or encouragement.  So, then and there, I did.  And it was true and earnest and great.  And I got out of my own jumbled head for a few moments and delved into another's.

And it was good.

I walked away from the conversation feeling wonderful, supportive and guess what? I felt motivated again.  Turns out, giving support, gave me all the support and encouragement I needed.

If you're Catholic, like me, the Prayer of St. Francis is probably popping into your head about now as it popped into mine then:

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

It is oft noted that those characteristics that you detest in others are those that you see in yourself.  Which is why parent and children that are alike most butt heads so famously.

Maybe similarly, the things we need most in our lives are the things that our soul is screaming for us to give.

If you are feeling lonely and without friends, give your friendship.  Be a friend.

If you are sad and need joy, spend any energy you have figuring out how to make someone else smile.

If you crave multiple 'likes' on Facebook, give 'likes' freely.

wow, can't believe I just wrote that...

{ahem} Let's try again...

If you feel like you are screaming at walls... maybe it's time you listen.

And if you bemoan about how there is not enough tolerance in the world...
be tolerant.

thanks for reading, Here's a little George Harrison for your day.