Friday, August 23, 2013

Sex. talk. fail.

I was totally ready.

I knew the ABCD's.

A-answer the question they ask.
B-be matter of fact.
C- cut the extraneous information.
D-don't be embarrassed or shaming or condescending.

Oh, and don't freeze, like me, today, in the car with all three kids (ages 7, 6 and 3), when the question came out of the freaking clear blue sky.

"How do babies get in tummies exactly?"

Now before we get to this one, let's just say that despite being ready... I had failed before.  For example, when my middle child at age 2 was sitting on the potty and was checking himself out.

"Mommy, what's this called."

"That is your penis." simple. I rule.

"No, not this," he said annoyed shoving his penis out of the way and taking hold of the package behind it... "THIS, what is this called?"

My mind reeled.  And I didn't have much mind left, 3 kids under 4, including a newborn, no sleep... (yes I'm giving lots of excuses... you'll know why in the end I feel excuses are necessary)

anyway, do I say balls? no... testicles? scrotum? these are not 2-3 year old vocab are they?? and what came out of my mouth was bad.  It was really pretty bad.  And from that experience I learned that "I don't know, ask your father," will be my go to answer for all male anatomy questions from then on.

I fared a little better when my other, less detail oriented 3 yr old son was a witness to me sitting on the potty.

-Side note, gotta admit that I can't wait for when going to the bathroom no longer requires an audience.-

"Mommy, are you going poop?"
"um, no, buddy I'm going pee pee, can I have some privacy?"
"Wait, you can not go pee pee, you do not have a penis."
"Well, that's true, but girls still go pee pee."
he looked confused for a bit but then worked it out in his head, "you go pee pee from your butt?"
"kind of,"
"Ha! that's weird." and he walked out.
 I consider that talk a success.

Fast forward back to the van with a couple failures, a couple successes under my belt.

I can do this.

I went through all the tips described above and immediately threw them out the window.  Surely people who said 'they'll be ready to know the truth when they ask,' forgot to think about the little siblings that may be around.

So I took a breath, reasoned that it was logical and simple, and said, "Love."

"When people get married and love each other very much, that makes a baby."

yup. I said it. And, I reasoned to myself... I wasn't exactly lying... people do call sex 'making love,' so indeed love does make a baby, hurray me.

Until, of course, the follow-ups start coming from the booster seated press corps.

B (age 6): "Wait wait, hold on. So you're saying people just really really love each other and a baby starts growing? just like that?"
M: (age 7): {heavy sigh} "No. There is obviously more to it than that, right mom?"

"uumm not really, I mean, yes, I guess, technically speaking there is more scientific stuff going on."

M: "Ok, well, that's what we want to know."
B: "yeah, we want the scientific details."
J (age 3): "sfientific Yeah!"

sweat is breaking out on my brow,  my hands are kneading the steering wheel like dough and I sound like a yogi. "ummmmmmmmmmmm."

My eldest saves me.

M: "Or... is it gross... like one of the gross things that girls have to deal with."
B: "Hey, boys deal with gross things.  We like mud and worms and..."
J: "poop! poop is gross!" (because he is helpful in all conversations these days.)
M: "No, boys, I mean there are some things... "
B: "I can understand anything you can!!"

and so it devolved into a glorious fight amongst themselves until we arrived at our destination and the focus immediately turned to the reason for our journey to the store.

So did I maybe leave it implied that sex was a gross thing to deal with later instead of a beautiful gift from God?

Damn straight I did.  And it bought me some sweet precious time.

Because the last thing I need is another fail... like telling my son his testes are called... sigh...
bon bons.

I'm praying he was too young to remember... but it will forever be my fault when he inexplicably giggles inappropriately when someone uses the phrase, "sitting at home eating bonbons."

thanks for reading and good luck on talks in your future



  1. Oh I so feel your pain! I failed miserably when my 4 year old asked how the baby will get out of my tummy. These questions are hard!

  2. Thanks Liz! My hubby just told me that he overheard our two eldest debating how a baby got out... through the bottom, or cut out of the tummy. He figured they were both kind of right so he didn't intervene and let them figure it out on their own... :)

  3. bahahahahaha!!!!! i can't wait to answer these myself. :)


What's your view?