Thursday, December 20, 2012

20 things I'm doing on my last day on earth.

How would you want to spend your last day on Earth?

In movies, people are looting with no fear of jail time, spending all their savings or canoodling with a loved one bravely looking into the heart of the coming disaster.

I'm going to take this opportunity, December 20th 2012, to decide the 20 things I'm going to do on my last day on Earth.... just in case.
  1. buy a tank of gas for a stranger at a gas station... don't know why, I just have always wanted to...
  2. say thank you to friends, family and neighbors that have made my life so fun to live
  3. laugh until my stomach hurts with my children
  4. be outside as much as possible, appreciating every breath of fresh air
  5. be completely honest in every exchange with another human
  6. not fold a single piece of clothing.  I really hate laundry.  but if I must... I'll do it with a smile today. 
  7. make a delicious meal for my family to enjoy together
  8. play with my dogs and give them mouth watering table scraps
  9. dance until it feels like my heart will burst and dance everywhere... car, home, store... if you see me today, and music is playing... I'll be dancing. 
  10. pray.  really pray.  I prayed so hard one time many years ago I felt God or an angel or something touch my arms that I had outstretched.  I want that feeling again today. 
  11. read a story to my children and have us say the 'Angel of God' together, letting each one say as many 'special intentions' as they can possibly think of, no time limit.  Then, tuck each one in individually, spending a few moments just talking with them in turn about whatever they have on their mind. 
  12. use a new razor blade and fancy lotions that I 'save for a special time' in prep for #13
  13. - 19 are all various forms of activities with my husband that I will leave out for good taste. 
and 20.  let my husband, understandably worn out at this point, pass out as I watch Bridget Jones' Diary again.  what.  that is a freaking fantastic movie.  here's the fight scene... to 'its raining men' oh my awesomeness.

So as it turns out, I'm finding out on the last day of the world that I'm nowhere near as 'deep,'  or ambitious really as I thought I'd be.  

It turns out, I don't need to make a huge difference in the world... I just want to be happy, make happy and be thankful. 

What are you going to do today?  just in case?

Saturday, December 15, 2012

for Newtown.

I sit watching Mickey’s Christmas Carol, holding my 5 year old son in my lap
but my mind is far away
seeing a carefully selected present arrive in the mail
for the child who didn’t come home.

I wonder if I were the neighbor
and knew what it was
would I intercept it?

I listen to my 7 year old daughter play Jingle Bells on the piano
but my mind is far away
hearing a sister ask her mom if Santa delivers presents to Heaven.

I imagine a broken mom saying yes, 
as she pictures presents carefully hidden in the closet
because, what else could she say?

Candles lit in my window and around the world
prayers in every language;  All of us wishing to be Superman 
spinning the Earth back, and 
in the absence of that, doing what we can. 

Moms everywhere are holding their children tighter
eyes tearing, heart aching.

And though I’m so grateful to hear my children 
fighting over whose lego spaceship is for good guys 
and whose is for bad... 
my mind is far away.

I think about the mom who can’t yet even consider the prayers sent her way.
Instead, I wonder if she wondered if the heat at school was left on that night
while the coroner worked 
or if her baby was cold. 

She is being told to be strong for her surviving children, 
while I can barely be strong for mine. 

God, I can’t stop the tears from falling.
I try to be thankful for the blessings I have
but joy feels like a slap in the face to 20 families
who can’t stop picturing their child’s last moments.

I’m so angry at you God.
yet, I beg to you on my knees.

I beg you to send angels to wrap these families tight
in loving embraces so strong they’ll stop shaking.

I beg you to heal the siblings and students whose
nightmares are just beginning.

I beg you to bless everyone involved so abundantly
that they never ever suffer for even a moment ever again.

I beg you,
please God,
help us.
Help us figure out how to stop
these tragedies, 
these killings,
this hurt. 

Monday, December 3, 2012

apocalypse cometh

disclaimer: after a long nanowrimo (writing a novel in a month) pause from blogging, Rob tells me that talking about this subject will lose any credibility I may have built.  Well, hang it all... here goes.

That's right friends, in the back of my head there may or may not be an inkling of awareness for how close we are coming to a certain special date.

The fiscal cliff? no.  Christmas? yes, but no.

I am well aware of the approaching end of the 13th B'ak'tun of the Mayan Long Count calendar, in other words, 12/21/2012.

I have to admit, I find it fascinating.  I love that even true believers -so sure that the Mayans got it right- are split as to how the end will come about, and whether its really a total end, or just an end for the idiots who didn't stock up on duct tape, ammo and canned corn.

Will it be a nuclear war? A financial systems collapse? zombies? aliens? solar storms? or just a good ol' fashioned biblical rapture God Smack Down?  And the way it ends is important because if its zombies, guns are great but your gas masks will go to waste.  And if its a systems collapse then canned goods are fine, but shouldn't we be prepping by learning to hunt, garden and build?  And if its God just saying, 'time to die suckas', do you really think that duct tape is going to foil Him?

So though I am not 'prepping' the way I'm 'supposed' to be regardless of how or when it ends, I have to admit I have great fascination in the incredible amount of signs.  Of course there is war in the Holy Land, solar storms and strange weather, not to mention the four horsemen of Notre Dame riding again in football prominence... but let's consider a couple of the signs in detail.

1) Zombie attacks.  There have been zombie attacks.  Humans out of their minds eating and attacking with seemingly no ability to feel pain, therefore not slowed by gunfire until the 'kill shot.'  We all heard about the one in Miami, but did you see the one in the subway in Japan? Or Baltimore or San Diego? And how about the finding that there was no bath salts in the Miami guy after all...  So just in case, Here, the CDC helps us prepare for a zombie apocalypse and here is just one of many articles helping you choose the best gun for zombie hunting.

2) Barack Obama as the Antichrist.  Ok, the first time I heard this one was well before he secured the Democratic nomination in 2008 and, of course I giggled, because its silly isn't it?  Just because he is an incredible speaker and the Antichrist is said to have a silver tongue and rise to prominence quickly, that's not enough is it?  And true some people go off on the Muslim or birther conspiracy tirades and those are stupid and therefore unfun.

However, how was it not reported more widely that the pick three in Illinois the night after Obama was elected in 2008 was 666.  I didn't believe it either, here is the Snopes link.  And the whole Lightning thing, where Baraq (yes different spelling) comes from the root meaning Lightning in Hebrew and Matthew 24:27 says
“For as the Lightning cometh out of the east and shineth unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be!”  And the other two times he mentions lightning happen to be about satan and/or the second coming.   Look, no, I don't think he's the antichrist but man people have put a lot of time into researching it... just in case.

3) The 21st is on a FRIDAY, as in Rebecca Black's Friday! Its perfect.  How else could God convey to us more poignantly that preparation and fear is futile.  It's Friday Friday! Look at the messages this 50 million times viewed awesomeness is sneaking to us.

  1. It's "7am wakin' up in the morning," every bible scholar knows that 7 is associated with the Son of Man.  
  2. She's "gettin down on Friday" clearly, a command to kneel, if we want to look forward and see that weekend.  The penitent man 'gets down' on Friday says Indiana Jones.  
  3. She says "Friday" exactly 6 times in the chorus...  and the chorus 3 times.   
  4. We always thought it was an accidental diss when she only mentioned her "friend on her right side" but where have we heard that before?  Oh yeah. It was Jesus.  
  5. And last, her calendar breakdown... Yesterday was Thursday, you can't do a damn thing about what happened then.  Saturday and Sunday come after-waarrd, but that won't matter either unless you get your shit together on Friday Friday. 
So, the signs are there, but what to do, hmm what to do...  So, here's where Rob gets annoyed, because he's like 'The world's not ending, its stupid to think about it.' But no matter how you slice it, December 21st will be the end of the world for approximately 160,000 people give or take, and the 'end of the world as they know it' for the people who love those who happen to die that day.  And any of those 160,000 could easily be me or my loved ones.  

So, I for one have decided that yes, I'm going to prepare for the apocalypse, so to speak.  

I'm going to smile more and drop frustration more quickly.  I'm going to make sure my husband and children know how thankful I am for them and how much I adore them.  I'm going to give generously and compliment freely.   I'm going to wear fun clothes and make my kids laugh as much as humanly possible.  

In other words, I'm going to celebrate Advent and prepare for the birthday of the Son of God by being the best person I can be.  Because if it turns out to be a numbers game like in Genesis 18, and God won't destroy the city so long as He finds 50 or so good people... I really would like to be in that camp... in fact, how about we play it safe and all try to be in that camp.    

But to do all this, to stay on course and to figure out how to be a good person, the most important thing I'm going to do is pray passionately.

That, and take a gun course.  cuz I think we could win if it ends up being the zombie one. 

thanks for reading, 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Obama and Boehner in a tree....

So here we are.  The election is over America has made its choice.

I have been so torn because like I said in a Facebook post, my kids will absolutely know that I respect the office of the president and he has my prayers.  But I would be lying if I didn't say I am wary.  I am not wary because of who Barack Obama is necessarily; but because of how the campaigns went and how it seems that there is more vitriol than knowledge in political conversations.

But Barack Obama is our president and John Boehner is our Speaker... both are facts and they need to work together whether anyone likes it or not.

Many democrats seemed to be convinced that the republicans wanted the country to fail so that Obama would not be re-elected.  Whether you see that as Gospel truth or absolutely insane, let's just say the 'plot' failed.  Obama has been elected to a second term.  Plotting or no plotting, it's time to get on with it and as Obama would say, move 'forward.'  But, with all the gloat tinged olive branches that seem to be being offered and the doom and gloom talk on Facebook we can see it is hard to move forward until we are honest about where we are now.

So here are some things I am contemplating and would like you also to consider.

What if:

1)       We give up the words Republican or Democrat on Facebook for one full year and demand that our politicians do the same.  (The media makes money with divisiveness so it'd take a while for them to catch on.)  If we talk about a bill, we don't say its a 'republican measure,' we say, here is a bill introduced by Boehner.  Or Nancy Pelosi has co-sponsored a bill with Harry Reid and then let's talk about the bill itself.  And, what if you were not allowed to talk about/comment on said bill unless you actually read it (they have summary's on the gov't web site... that would suffice.)  Also let's not make major leaps in logic, not supporting a bill, does not mean not supporting an idea, it means not supporting a bill.  Instead of the phrase "republicans don't believe in fair pay for women," instead we would talk about the merits and difficulties with the lily ledbetter act, who supported it, who wrote against it and why.

2)     We all admit the incredible bias of the media.  The Daily Show, which I genuinely enjoy, does not "give it equally to both sides," as I have heard many people say.  I believe Stewart himself was alarmed by this and I think he took an active part in making himself the foil of Bill O'Reilly, who, believe it or not also 'gives it' to both sides.  Stewart and O'Reilly are probably fairly equal counterparts as far as liberal to conservative leanings... If you, right now are scoffing... please take a moment to breathe and look in the mirror because you are exactly who I am addressing.                   

Fox News is not the counterpart to MSNBC like people try to often say.  It is not even a counterpart to CNN at this point.  Fox News is a trusted news source for the majority of the middle of the day.  It has a morning talk show that is meant to be light with a bias counterpart to something like the Today Show or GMA.  And in the evening it has punditry that has bias similar to 'Rock Center' with Brian Williams or Hardball.  

Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, the local paper... so often we are being inundated with so much one-sided bias that when you see Fox News it does seem completely out of whack.  If you are still scoffing, I challenge you to put CNN and Fox News on 'last channel' or whatever quick change offer your remote control has.  When a major news story breaks, flip back and forth... just try it.  

And, just as a little aside, on Jimmy Fallon, they did a sketch where Obama asked Romney if he was 'calling to concede or if he was still watching Fox News,' the assumption that people take away without realizing it is that Fox News was playing with the numbers to keep 'hope alive.'  Fox News called it for the president before CNN did.  Tiny things like that repeated over and over again give people bias without even being aware they are getting it.

3)     We open our minds to the possibility that gay marriage is not just about lovey dovey 'fairness,' it, just as straight marriage is, is good for the economy and it is good for our communities and our people and would make logical sense for our country to embrace.  I understand, though disagree, with people's hesitation on this matter.  They, for the most part, are not bigots.  They are trying to understand a very real complex shift in how we view the family unit and why as a government we sanction marriage at all.

For people living it, I hate the idea of saying that it is not an easy thing for some people to earnestly wrap their heads around.  And I can absolutely understand their anger, but in the true attempt of looking at where we need to go, again, we need to be honest about where we are.

4)  Also republicans must understand and acknowledge that many people had genuinely good reasons to vote for Barack Obama, despite our dismay.  They did not do so because they wanted a handout or because they want socialism or for Israel to be destroyed.  And though, we may feel we have evidence that points out that these are things Barack Obama is leaning toward, we do not have a crystal ball.  Those that voted for him for the most part genuinely feel that President Obama can do a better job leading this nation.  And for all of our sakes, let's hope that they are right.

Though I am admittedly wary of what is to come, I will do my best to support my president and make sure I am informed and passionate about the issues that face this country.

And, because I am an American and regardless of who our president is we have the freedom to live how we believe is right.  I am going to live out what I consider my very important conservative ideals, I am going to work hard and sacrifice and give to those in need without anyone forcing me to do so.  I am going to continue to live my faith and pray to God and respect the religions and traditions of those around me as I expect them to respect mine.  I am going to raise my kids responsibly and consider myself their primary educator in everything from morality to academics.  I am going to speak up if I see injustice happening and act if I can change it.  And I will support my military, my church, my family, my neighbors and my country in the best way I can.

Let's stop looking to government and worrying about who is reaching further across some 'aisle,' and instead all look in the mirrors.  We, as strong willed, motivated, hard working individuals will be what makes this country strong again.

thanks for reading... 


Monday, November 5, 2012

'Twas the night 'fore elections

'Twas the night 'fore elections and all on Facebook
passion, accusations, do I even dare look?
status: my absentee ballot was mailed out with care!
I'm hoping my guy will be in the oval's chair!

Lip dubs and satire and commands to go vote.
status: If my guy doesn't win, I'm on the next boat! (2 likes)
reply: Stop Shoving Your Religion Down My Throat! (12 likes)
reply: I Swear I'll Unfriend you after that shit you wrote! (1like)

Your candidate's a lier and a jackass know-nuthin'
Damn it, I'll show you! why isn't there a 'dislike' button?!
Nice normal people throughout the year,
turned wingnut and commie... I needed a beer.

Unfriending an uncle, I hit a new low
and decided to catch up on pre-recorded shows.
In comfy pajamas with braids on my head
I settled in to see the walking dead.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I paused DVR to see what was the matter
Obama with his ears and Mitt with his hair
were out on the porch, just standing there.

'Thank you for opening they door' they did greet
'You are just the one we came out here to meet!'
I knew then I was going to miss my show
for I was the last undecided
in Ohio.

"He'll tax you," hair called, "only if your rich!" said the ears
"I am," I said, and Mitt laughed thankful tears.
"But," I said, "Gays should be able to marry"
'oh' they both said and hair looked around wary.

For the last several months they showed their best sides
and took us along for baby-kissing rides.
And when something damaging dared rear its head
diversion and distraction helped put it to bed.

Quick! Hide Akin and Palin the GOP cried!
It's Kid Rock and Eastwood we want by his side!
And those donkeys, they did not miss a beat,
they hid Biden & Pelosi deep under the street.

Now tweeters, now mailers now knockers and callers
on radios on tvs on graphiti'd bathroom stall(ers)!
To the top of Wisconsin and the tips of the beach!
All old people and women I need you to reach!

Their supporters cheered out and passionately cried,
We'll beat down the other, we'll throw mud in their eye!
We'll get the word out! On us you should bet!
Think you've seen bad, you've seen nothing yet!

I looked at these two standing tall on my lawn
and asked if it would be worth it when the 7th saw dawn.
They looked at each other and shared so warm a glance
I'd swear I was witnessing a blossoming romance.

And then it hit me with such a force
that I screamed aloud, 'of course, of course!'
Worried, they broke their stare to woo me more,
but all they saw was the click of my door.

Back to my Facebook I ran with glee
to share the secret they accidentally shared with me.
Obama was in on it and Romney was too,
you see either way, they'll be better off than you!

While the runner up's supporters are crying the day of the loss
and winners will have to defend the failings of the new boss,
the candidates themselves will be dancing a jig
their egos inflated, their bank accounts big.

Mitt will be buying another show horse.
Obama will swing his big stick 'round the course.
The economy will get better, or maybe it chokes,
but sure as hell, they know, these two won't go broke.

So let's not belittle each other for them
and pretend that either's completely a gem.
Let's work, serve and vote the way Americans can
and look in the mirrors to make ourselves better women and men.

It's America's people, from new citizens to old
that have decided our freedom's more precious than gold.
It's awesome that we all have a voice we can share,
though passions may rise and tensions may flare.

So whoever wins, be it good guy or bad.
Be good sports if you win, and if you lose don't get mad.
And whether in joy or in pain you feel need to shed tears,
just remember, we get to do it all again in four years.

I was writing this down as I heard motors roar
and through the sky their private jets did soar.
But I heard them exclaim 'ere they flashed out of site,
There is still time to contribute to my campaign tonight!

Happy Election Day!

thanks for reading,


Monday, October 29, 2012

Frankenstorm and a little self focus off the pier

My parents, nervous about the bitch that is Sandy hitting the Carolinas, called tonight just to make sure that we were ok.

Inland, it took a moment to realize what they were talking about as we had just come from a neighborhood Halloween parade and were simply concerned with getting the ninja, witch and ironman costumes off in good enough shape that they are still wearable for Halloween.

We are lucky. It seems that the worst of this storm has missed us, but I know that by the time you are reading this... it is likely that many people will not have been as fortunate.

I titled my blog, 'views from a pier,' because on the edge of a dock or pier the awesomeness of the ocean or the brilliance of a sunset  seem to make everything in life so beautifully simple and clear.  The petty grudges and stubborn views that I held onto with an iron fist seem like sand slipping through my fingers.

Life is beautiful. Be thankful for every moment. Every person you encounter is a child of God. The cliches become easy marching orders and I swear to carry the feeling with me back to the 'real world.'  I hoped to somehow bring those kinds of thoughts forth in this blog.

But, I am a terribly flawed Irish tempered non-yogi type human, and upon heading toward shore, the petty things feel heavier with every step.  'it does matter that she said that,' 'but they are an idiot if they vote for that person,' 'how dare he misrepresent what I said,' etc.

And though, thankfully, I am not at the edge of a pier now, I am realizing that there are other times when pettiness slips away.  Many of the people I've debated with over the past few weeks are now in harm's way and I could care less how they vote, I just hope they are safe.

Mother Nature can bitch slap us back to reality right quick.  And though you have no control over just how unpredictable and destructive nature or fate can be; it is the perfect time to embrace the fact that you have the power over whether you will be a destructive or constructive force in your life and in the lives of those around you.

Awesome are the tides we can't control, but awe-inspiring is the momentum created by a determined heart.

At this point, you should really turn to Oprah... because if I knew how to tell you to become that determined soul that changes the world... well, I probably wouldn't be writing a blog with a beer by my side.

But, what I can offer is this...

I like you.  I think you are great. Maybe its just because I was lucky enough to grow up in a super duper cheesy timeframe of America where we were singing I'd like to teach the world to sing, We are the World, and were all standing in the middle of our streets holding hands as a part of an effort to hold hands all the way across America... but I mean it.  I think you are flipping fantastic and I think you can be everything you want to be.

And if this storm messed you up and you need a place to stay, dude, come here, we'd love to have you and we have a great neighborhood to trick-or-treat in!  And, though you know I love debating, don't worry, if you're evacuated from your home I swear I won't make you defend your political views.

Our country cares so deeply about one another despite the pebble throwing and sarcasm... I feel lucky to live here but am still striving to feel like I deserve the honor.

Whatever this storm, or the next one brings... we can weather it together.

Is that too cheesy for you? well, fuck you, I believe it.

Cheesy ass children of the seventies and eighties unite.  Let's make this world the freaking awesome place it was going to be when we were all looking at the man in the mirror and all held hands across America.

hope you are well, let me know if you need anything,


Thursday, October 25, 2012

the only case for Obama...

I had to let my last post regarding my support for Romney/Ryan percolate a bit before I take to turning off a new batch of people. It's how I roll.

So while I still strongly support the GOP ticket for the presidency, I have to be honest about the one and only issue that holds me back from being a pom-pom waving door-to-door knocking volunteer. 

The gay problem. 

I'm calling it a 'problem' because it causes a problem for me, personally.  It is hard to look into the eyes of my gay friends and tell them that I support Romney/Ryan.  Is the GOP ticket saying your marriage is not completely equal under the law as mine? yup they are. Is that ok? no, it is not.  Do I feel like a schmuck sometimes for aligning with people who think its ok to say that you are not free to love who you want to love? absofreakinglutely. 

So though I have very thorough logical, legal, ethical and moral reasons that I believe in marriage equality, I would like to first share with you a story of the friendship (with my friend's blessing) that changed fundamentally who I am and helped formulate my opinion on this issue. 

I have always been a conservative republican (I mean, always. We named our dog after Alex P. Keaton and I wept bitterly when Clinton beat Bush when I was 11 years old.) I have also always been a devoted (thought questioning) Catholic who was involved in the church through High School and College as a Lector and Eucharistic Minister.  So you may think it odd that I was one of the early people a friend in college told that she was gay. 

Over drinks, I think the admission was actually accidental, but I’d like to think that it was my complete indifference to her revelation that endeared me to her, because from that moment on our friendship strengthened. 

Not long after she came ‘out,’ we were passing each other on the sidewalk between classes and she was glowing. Always beautiful, with long dark hair and olive skin, on this day she was absolutely radiant. When her eyes caught mine, she grinned and said, “I get it!”


“The giddiness! Why you walk around like a moron, asking a thousand times if I thought whatever guy was cute or looking at you was into you... all of it!”

She had a crush. She was, for the first time, letting herself truly enjoy the beauty of the feeling that had accompanied me through most of my life since my first major crush in 3rd grade. You should also know, I am a bit of a romantic (some teachers may have written ‘boy-crazy’ in report card comments.)

In the past, she tried to play the game the way it was ‘supposed’ to be played. She went to school dances and talked about boys. She, as I mentioned, is gorgeous so she was often asked out and she went on dates but thought something was wrong with her... because never once did her heart skip a beat nor did she get caught up in it the way all the girls around her did.

And, when in high school, an upperclass girl caught her eye, she told herself it was simply admiration she was feeling. She waited patiently to find a guy that would make her feel anything at all.
And now, standing before me, she was giggling and rosy and told me all about how she and this crush had almost held hands.

‘It hit me like a truck,' no doubt is a cliche. But it applies as I was absolutely blindsided at the realization of just how incredibly naive I had been. Because, though I had never ‘judged’ her, there was always a part of me that humored the mental debates of whether homosexuality was ‘natural,’ or if it was a ‘choice’. I didn’t ‘judge’; but damn, how I had I arrogantly analyzed.

In that moment, I was dizzy with unadulterated happiness for her. There is no way, the romantic I was, I could ever want anyone to be denied the crazy giddy stupid joy that comes at the beginning of a relationship.  

I could’ve listened to her joy all day. And I’m forever thankful to her for sharing that moment with me. It wasn't until later that day that my heart broke for the fact that it took so much courage and so much time for her to allow herself the same joy most of us know without thinking twice about it. 

She and I became roommates. Like any roommates, we went through ups and downs... with friends, in school and in relationships. It never again amazed me that our relationship woes and joys were absolutely no different from one another’s.

She met my greatest crush of all and was the first to say ‘you should hang on to him.’ And two years later she was in my wedding to him.

Since then, I have come to know the incomparable joy of a life committed to someone, who is in turn committed to you.  Despite its sometimes heartbreaking downs, it is an awesome feeling.  I wouldn't dare try to rob someone of that feeling. 

I honestly don't blame people for not understanding homosexuality, especially people in the generation ahead of us where being open was not as accepted or common (not that it is perfectly accepted now, of course, but we have certainly made strides as a nation.)  And feel like I am blessed because of the courage a friend had and the trust she had in me. 

Try to forget what happens in the bedroom (you don't want to know what your neighbors do either... I learned at a recent dinner party that 50 shades kink is waaayyyy more common than I thought... yeah, I learned I'm a boring wife and I don't ask anymore.)  Instead, just think about the idea of having a partner to share your life with. Tell me that you are ok denying someone you love that feeling. 

I hate this issue because it feels like it could and should be healed so quickly so easily.  I wish I could stop every accusation of bigotry, ignorance, morality and righteousness before it starts because it just seems to fan the flame of misunderstanding. I wish I could give everyone a chance to be me in that moment of seeing my friend’s joy. I wish I could promise every young person that they have every right to dream of their happily ever after whatever it may be because God does not make mistakes and they are not evil or sick for wanting to be in love. 

I want to beg all the same-sex couples that have been couples for decades to come out and be the spokespeople for the movement to show how their relationships have the exact same trials, tribulations, joys and sorrows as straight couples and deserve the exact same rights and respect as provided by the law.

But I can’t, because it’s not their job to be put on trial and show it... it is our job to simply clear our eyes and see it.

For those of you still unsure, 

Look, for all I know homosexuality is an 'abomination to God'... but so may be what my hubby and I do in our bedroom... I mean, I do like the taste of sausage in the morning if ya know what I mean. 

And what I mean is that my husband often makes me breakfast in bed and I like sausage links and eating the flesh of pigs is also perhaps an abomination (Leviticus 11, 7-8.)  What did you think I meant?? Get your head out of the gutter, sicko. (and, btw, that's not strictly forbidden in the bible anyway... )

But most of all, I know that I don't know every opinion of God on every matter... I tend to believe that He is just a tad more complex than we can possibly understand.  So I think He did his best to make things easy for us by saying... and I'm paraphrasing here.  'Look, human, you are not the greatest thing around, I am. So why don't you just chill out, be thankful for me and all I've given you and be nice to the people around you because they're my kids too regardless of what you think about them.'

And, I kind of like the idea that Jesus Himself was the first separation of church and state guy, 'give to God what is God's, give to Caeser what is Caeser's.' (in current terms, if you think gay marriage is a sin... don't get gay married, but that doesn't mean the law has to be in line with your beliefs.)

Ok. so in summary. Marriage equality needs to happen, like now.  But, I'm sorry, I don't buy Obama's support because had he issued his support just one day earlier, it could have made a difference for Amendment 1 in NC... but it could've also pissed off his black baptist voters... so I think he's an opportunist.  So vote Romney/Ryan because otherwise it won't matter who can get married, no one will be able to afford a marriage license. 

Now I'll go to my car where I feel safest of all. watch this and come back next week! I'll go lighter... maybe. 

thanks for reading, 


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I am a binder full of women. (my feminist rant?)

First I need to give kudos to the unknown writer of, "Binder full of women? Halloween costume of the year." because that's just good humor.

But otherwise I must presume that women don't want to be taken seriously in politics at all.  Because all of the self-proclaimed feminists that I know get lost in muddles of sound bites and seem to have no idea what any of the actual issues are.

Other than the binder, here are a few recent examples: women forwarding around a photo of the leaders of the catholic church when they were contesting the birth control requirement of their institutions (yes, Biden was full of "stuff" when he said they were not affected.) with some kind of commentary like this:
Appropriately bitchy, snarky and absolutely inane. Way to get us taken seriously.  If you have a problem with the leadership of the Catholic and Jewish faiths being men, then take issues with the religions, but don't be shocked when those institutions that are threatened send out their leadership to defend themselves. 
Photo: Send an eCard to say you won’t go back:
And how about this one from Women for Barack Obama?  Hmmmm. let me get this straight. The government is trying to take over health care... and yet the side saying it should be up to the individuals what their coverage is is the one being accused of taking away control?? It just makes no sense.  When does something not being given for free equal being denied it? Is the government denying me computer rights because I have to pay for my own Internet access and monitor? 

And, all the while, I hear women going on and on about a "war on women."  The only war on women I see is when one of my friends pop on my Facebook page with some sort of assertion that any woman that votes for Romney is voting against all women.  What? really? Women are so simple-minded that there can only be one side and/or one issue that matters?  Liberal women claim that the GOP is starting a war on women and yet they are screaming that all female republicans are either idiots and don't understand what the evil GOP is doing, or they are simply following their master's (excuse me,) husband's orders on whom they should support.  But, that shouldn't surprise me. The same kind of tactics are used on minorities or celebrities should they dare endorse a republican.

Here is why, as a woman, I am supporting Mitt Romney.  I want the economy to get on track. President Obama can brag about signing the Ledbetter Act into congress all he wants, he'll never have to worry about the fallout of enforcement if there are never any jobs to be had.  Governor Romney got panned when he said he'd help women in the workforce by making the economy stronger.  What that said to me is he sees women as no different than men.  The most important way the next president can help women in the workforce is by facilitating the creation of more jobs.

I don't want the next generation to be saddled with debt or to live with an attitude of entitlement.  Again, sorry, I guess it's not a 'women''s issue other than the fact that we are 1/2 of the equation that creates the next generation... and that women happen to also be in the next generation so maybe we should care about them a little bit.

I don't want the government in my health care.  I believe that the decisions I make should be between me and my doctor... oh, does this sound familiar to you? Then Why In Heaven's Name do you want the government taking over our health care?? I'm so confused by people when they say, "a women's choice should be between her and her doctor" and meanwhile they are holding up a pro ObamaCare sign...

And, since ObamaCare was passed, our family's personal insurance has gone up by 20% so, as a woman, my health care has absolutely been negatively impacted in the last four years and ObamaCare hasn't even gone into full effect.

Going back to the fair pay act for a moment, Governor Romney also got panned when he said that women may prefer flexibility.  Guess what, women, he's treating you equal to men once again.  He assumes that you can put your big girl pants on and negotiate your own salary and benefits without mama government doing it for you.  I have been a stay at home mom for a while now, but while I was in the work force, I found out that at two of my places of employment I was making more than other women working there... because I was the only one that said what my salary should be and I asked for raises when I thought them due.  In one scenario I went ahead and asked for raises for all my colleagues because they were all too nervous.  Every one of them (4 ladies) got raises that day -which incidentally happened to also be the one and only day my husband has accused me of being a socialist...

I know I was lucky, I had a business owner father who taught me the importance of a dollar and the even greater importance of knowing your self worth... and I had a mom who was never scared to ask anyone anything... so it may have come more easily to me than many other women... But we should share that knowledge with women instead of holding a gun to the the head of business owners!

So I guess, in short, (too late,) what I'm trying to convey is that as an American that happens to have a vagina, I would like to see our economy in better shape, our foreign policy clearer and stronger, our government spending and reach to be contained and a (flexible) job to be there when I decide to return to work.  I am voting for Romney/Ryan.

And, as for President Obama, I'm simply sick of being pandered to.  And, woman friend that may be angered by reading this, if you still don't think that Obama thinks that you are an idiot that needs to be taken care of... clearly you don't know about the life of Julia... who will be a broke high school dropout and will never get to volunteer at a community garden because she died of some mysterious illness when she was 26... if Romney is elected.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Debate Drinking Game!

I'm psyched! Are you? Tonight is the night that two virtually unknown decent citizens have a meaningful discussion that will help us understand who is the better suited man to lead our country over the next four years.

Wait, what? that is not what is happening tonight?  Oh, that's right... two notorious probably originally decent men turned to feats of great douchebaggery will be repeating catchphrases tonight.  Well, all the better... because that means it is time for the DEBATE DRINKING GAME.

Now, I'll warn you, this is hardcore. Only embark on this journey if you are dedicated.

First, in order to play you:
*should have beer, wine or any alcoholic or non-alcohlic drink you enjoy.
*preferably be watching with a member of the opposite sex that you are comfortable with.
*if you are male... wear a cup... just in case.

OK Ladies and Gents, welcome to the 1st presidential debate drinking game of 2012, keep an open mind, have fun and pace yourselves.

To get started: Pick a candidate. This may not be who you are voting for... just who you think will keep you less or more thirsty depending on your preference.

sip for every person and/or organization he thanks at the beginning.
sip for every time he starts a statement with "Look" or "Let me be clear"
sip for every time he says "added"
double sip every time he says he doubled anything.
chug whenever he smiles awkwardly while Romney is attacking his policies. Finish your drink if the awkward smile ends with Obama addressing the moderator like they are best buds dealing with a lunatic.

sip for every person and/or organization he thanks in the beginning
sip for every time he says "deficit"
sip for every time he says "lost"
double sip for every times he says "class warfare"
chug every time he smiles while Obama is criticizing his policies. Finish your drink if he ends awkward smile with a sip of his own drink.

sip every time anyone says, 'jobs.'
1 sip for 'billion'
2 sips for 'trillion'
finish your drink if anyone says 'gazillion'
Chug for 4.7 seconds if you hear the number 47.
If either candidate says something in spanish, take a tequila shot.
If anyone mentions Bain, say, in your best rasp, "I am batman."
If either candidate mentions 'women's rights', feel a boob.
If either candidate mentions 'men's rights', ball swat.
If you think, for anything said tonight, "that was a good zinger." slap yourself immediately.

And if, at any point, you feel the need to quote something on Facebook or Twitter hoping that these are the magic words that will change someone's mind... finish your drink and go to bed immediately. Do not pass the computer, do not take your tablet, do not take your phone.

Thank you for playing! Have fun and vote responsibly!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


Is it too cliche to post about 9/11 today?

It is the 11th anniversary, I have changed from a college senior rambling through life to a mother of three settled in the town where I will mostly likely grow old and die.  A mother of three kids who have no idea what happened on this day eleven years ago.

I was on the road when it happened. On the way back to school from a family funeral, many of my family members were in planes that day going all over the country to their respective homes after we gathered to honor my Grandpa, a veteran.

My cousins were dressed in their military uniforms to place the flag over his casket and a folded flag was given to my grandmother.  Many of these cousins were about to be impacted even greater than they could have realized that day as they later took turns in Iraq and Afghanistan.

When the news first broke I remember looking from car to car to see if other people were hearing what I was hearing. I pulled off the highway at a rest stop so I could see a TV as the reports on the radio were impossible to imagine. Strangers in northern West Virginia gathered and stood glued together held frozen by the images flashing before us.

But we couldn't stay there. We all had places to be. We talked about heading east to see if there was anything we could do to help.  But, most of us got in our cars and continued.  We continued the exact direction we were heading before.

Years later, we're all aware that we are not exactly the same as who we were before and yet we are never as wise as we were the days following the attacks.  We were one. We hugged our loved ones and forgot the petty stuff.  We said prayers, expressed sympathies and made donations. We prayed.

My children are now 7, 5 and 3 and know nothing about September 11th.  When is the right age to teach them? Do I leave it to school to introduce it and then fill it in with discussions at home? What are the important messages that need to come out of the tragedy that day?

'We will never forget' is our slogan... but what exactly is it that we want to remember? Do we want to remember the frailty of life and appreciate the time we have? Or do we want to remember the cowards that perpetrated the attacks and to never let our guard down? The victims? The heroes? The villains? The quotes? The images?

I suppose, it would be best if we remembered everything. But, that is how people felt about D-Day and Pearl Harbor and so many other tragic events that eventually are just another day in history class for so many Americans.

If I had my choice of one, I would want to immortalize the story of flight 93. Of people who were not trained to be heros but couldn't stand the idea of being part of anyone else's death. With faith, courage and love for others, they risked their lives to make sure that the murderers on that flight would not win.

And after that story came out, I know I am not alone in that every time I got on an airplane... I psyched myself up... just in case the need to fight arose.  Though I could never say what I would do in such an incredible circumstance I'd like to think that forever honoring the passengers of flight 93 would remind us all to be courageous in times of incredible darkness.

And, in immortalizing their story, we would never forget that there are people around us everyday who go to work prepared to risk their lives for others. The firefighters, police officers, military and civil servants that day and every day deserve to be appreciated.

Seeee... so that's why I blog, I was trying to figure out how to signify this day as special for my kids and I talked long enough to get there.  So now, I'm turning off the computer... saying goodbye to the youtube memorials (and the truther crap that gets stuck in there) and baking cookies with my kids. We'll take 'em to every fire station in a 5 mile radius just to say thanks...

thanks for reading,

ps. if you are here to read my 50 shades, click here.

pps speaking of great civil servants (is that what you'd call 911 dispatchers?) I love Mike.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Dear Employer... From a skilled Mom.

Today I dropped off my youngest child at preschool. He will only be away for about 5 hours total in any given week. But the moment I left the school I realized that for the first time in almost 8 years, there will be regularly scheduled times that I will be alone.  

Was I sad to leave my baby behind? Sure. But the overwhelming feeling was one that I had felt before... close to my college graduation.  I had to answer a question I hadn’t even had time to ask myself in close to a decade... what am I going to do with my life?

So, knowing my resume, with an 8 year gap in employment may be less than impressive, I took time to work on my cover letter... what do you think? 

Dear Prospective Employer, 

Though I may not have the advanced degree or computer acumen of many of my competitors. And, though I most likely require a more flexible schedule and more pay as well, I believe I have some unique skills that my co-applicants may not. 

For example, 

I can catch vomit in my bare hands and carry both it and a child 30 feet without spilling a drop.  

Why would this help you? What this illustrates is that I have come to a point in my life where I have close to zero self regard and remarkable problem solving skills. When an issue arises at the office, many may try to shy away. But I will run at the problem and carry that proverbial barf and your company’s good name to safety. 

Next, I have a keen sense of smell illustrated by the fact that I can detect accurately who hath ‘dealt it’ between at least four humans and two dogs. 

Again, you may ask, other than as a party trick, how does this help? Not only in midcheek expulsions, but in all parts of life I have learned to handle and assign culpability with tact and grace. No one wants to be the 'smelt it' tattle tale so to speak, but when someone is around that can spot and handle the guilty party, no matter the crime, with the noblest of ease, parties are more likely to hold themselves accountable and much office shenanigans cease before they can escalate.  

Last, I am virtually unflappable.  I have literally been shit on while in the middle of a budgeting phone conversation and checking myself out at a grocery store. I did not stutter in word nor operation.  Whatever crisis arise, I will stay calm, collected and dedicated. 

Though you may take pause at the year of my last official employment, I hope you will not forget that in addition to the skills I have already outlined, my ‘off the job’ training also made me proficient in multi-tasking, conflict resolution, and lego extraction. 

Oh, and apparently, my lips have taken on a Christ-like quality in that they can relieve suffering and take away the boo-boos.  Frankly, if you don’t want a Jesus lipped vomit catcher, I fear for the future of your company. 

I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmest Regards, 


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Isaac, Abraham and did God used to be a #*&%?

The story of Abraham binding Isaac always bothered me.

Abraham bound Isaac got out the knife and was ready to kill the crap out of him.  But, taa daa God sent the angel just in time saying "nope, nope, never mind! I'm just kidding!!" stopping Abraham and allowing Isaac to live.  

Yayyy, right? No. Boo. What a sucktacular story! And, talk about a God I don't want ever trying to contact me on a personal level!  I understand that the story is often used to teach you to obey God no matter what and all will be alright.  But, by the 4th grade, I figured if I saw God or one of His angels, I had an over 50% shot of being asked to die, kill or get pregnant... so, thanks, but no thanks. 

And to the allegorical point, you'd think an all-knowing God would foresee that a variety of mental illnesses seem to manifest themselves by people hearing God telling them to kill someone.... wouldn't the better moral of the story have been Abraham was rewarded for not killing?

We'd all grow up with the story of, 'when you hear voices telling you to kill... God will reward you for not listening!'  That seems to be a better story for society in general... 

I wrote it off as another one of the 'crazy angry God' stories from the Old Testament that I didn't quite understand... right up until last Easter. 

At that service, for the first time, I put the story of Isaac and Abraham truly side by side with the story of Jesus in my mind.  God gave his only Son that we may live.  

We are meant, I believe, to have a visceral reaction to the Isaac and Abraham story. Because Abraham and Isaac were both living breathing humans, it is easier to associate ourselves with them than it is with God and His Son.  Abraham and Isaac, that could be God asking me to kill my son.  I can relate.  And I sometimes can't help but think with God, somehow its not the same.  But it was. Jesus was His Son and Jesus suffered fear and pain and torture and death and God watched every moment, not stepping in... for our sake. 

And, even that phrase, "God sacrificed His only Son that we may live." I find myself questioning... He is God... couldn't He have figured out a better way to save us all?  Mr. Clean Magic Erase away the sin?  Just make us not sin in the first place?

But it all boils down to us having free will. We have to choose to follow God. We have that choice everyday and every minute. He couldn't just wave a magic wand to "open" Heaven.  He had to create a moment and an act so incredibly powerful that it started as a tiny seed, possessed by the least important and furthest removed people in the world. It had to grow and blossom organically.  It was a story and a message that you couldn't keep to yourself. It was too incredible not to share.  And it had to be momentous enough to stand the test of time, noble enough to last through scandal and men's folly, and strong enough to outlive wars.

So, in His all knowing, kind of way, He knew that the story of a Father putting His own Son to death, would sit and stay with us as humans.  And the story of that Son and the kindness and love He taught would last and could lead humanity to choose the path to goodness and Heaven. 

Have we messed it up on the way? absolutely, we've killed in Jesus' name instead of saved and we've cast out instead of accepted. Both opposite of The Way we are taught.  But Jesus' narrative persists despite our blunders and it will continue to persist long after we are gone... continuing to show people the path to God. 

I often think about how... if I were asked to die so that my kids would live, I would say yes... no hesitation.  If I were asked to die for their children or grandchildren or world peace... yes yes and yes. 

But what if I were asked to die in a horrific way... for the benefit of people thousands of years down the road with people misinterpreting my sacrifice all along the way... would I say yes? Could I have that kind of faith?  no, probably not. 

I wish I could say I did... but really, I think if I did have the courage to even think to say maybe yes, it would only be because I was assuming it was just a test and the angel's right around the corner about to say, "Nope, Nope! you passed! Just Kidding!"

Which is why I'm thankful that I'm only human.  With all the sadness and destruction in the world, I do hope that God and Jesus don't get upset by my constant questioning, spinning and rambling... rather that they giggle at my trying, like I giggle at this poor hamster just trying his best to hold on. 

thanks for reading,

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Caught Jammin

I had psyched myself up all week for a night of dancing.  Rarely do I plan ahead, but last week I had concert tickets, a sitter, an outfit and I was looking forward to Saturday night.

About 4 hours 'till go time, a text from the sitter left me more than a little deflated. And after about 15 'sorry but no's' from the babysitting co-op, backup sitters and even neighbors, I realized it was not to be.

Not wanting to make it a complete waste, I hit a sacrifice bunt and allowed my husband to invite a friend in return for an hour of 'me time' out of the house while he put the kids down.

So... where to go? Saturday night? The world's my oyster.  My favorite bar? A coffee shop with my Kindle? The mall for some retail therapy? I pondered these ideas as my car drove itself to The Container Store.  sigh. I felt like Will Ferrell in Old School.

Like I said, I was psyched up for dancing and, I must admit, the soundtrack at the Container Store was bumpin' (is that a phrase anymore? was it ever?)

So as I pondered the inspirationally large variety of sink-side sponge holders, 'Forget You' by Cee Lo Green comes on and I allow my head just a little nod action. The music picks up and the shoulders and hips just start moving and before I know it, the lip is bit and I'm in it. Shoot, its Saturday Night there isn't another soul here right? I'm in full on 'get is squirrel' mode and about half a beat from spanking my own ass when my eye catches the movement across my aisle.

Craptastic. But he kept walking right on by. Until he walked backward and stared straight at me.

"It's a hot song."

His grin put me at ease.

"It is!" probably a little too enthusiastically. "I wasn't sure you caught me."

"It's cool though, I was doing the same thing... just in my head."

"Well get out of your head and boogie it down with me in the kitchen storage aisle."  I said in my head, and luckily only in my head. cuz that would've been weird right? did I miss an opportunity there? no that would've been weird. moving on.

We proceeded to have a pleasant conversation about Cee Lo's start in the Goodie Mob (here's Cell Therapy for your enjoyment).  He guessed, by my looks that I knew more about Cee Lo's role in GLEE, and The Voice... he was right but I promised him I would youtube Goodie Mob and Dirty South movement when I got home. And we both went dancing on our way.

Now, I'm not sure if the conversation necessarily changed my life.  Goodie Mob is not part of my ipod collection and I'm no different than I was before walking into the Container Store. But, I do know that that interaction made me smile all the way home and let me give Rob a genuinely happy send off so he could genuinely enjoy the concert, etc. etc. And I know that if I hadn't been dancing, the encounter wouldn't have happened and happiness wouldn't have ensued.

I think dancing, in essence, tells people that you are open, you are happy and most of all you are a little vulnerable... which is such a good thing. When you admit openly that you're vulnerable, you aren't in a place to judge or look down, you are just grateful for what you have and hopeful that the good in life will continue.

I think we should all dance, all the freaking time.  Dance off your blues.  Dance in church. Dance with your love. Dance diggity dance dance dance.

To get you started, here's a pop, here's an Abba and here's a safety dance.

Speaking of Safety Dance, you really need to check out that video. AWESOME. and, on another safety dance issue, I used to think the lyric, 'if they don't dance, then they're no friend of mine' was kind of harsh... but ya know what. Now I dig it. So you're on notice, friends and friends of friends.

thanks for reading. now go dance! betcha meet someone fun at the very least, betcha make someone smile!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

50 Shades of White

Wow, I sighed. Biting my lip, I stared at the bed and the enormous mound before me. How did I let this go for so long, I asked myself. 

I stared down at my hands.

“Stop fidgeting.”

I jumped a mile high and snapped to attention... ‘who said that?’

“ROB... ROOOBBB,” I screamed to my husband rushing out the door of my bedroom.

“What?” He sprinted up the steps two at a time. “what’s wrong?”

“I think someone is in our room... I heard someone say like, ‘stop fidgeting,’ or something like that.”

He eyed me, dubious, but went into the bedroom for an extensive search. The closet, the shower, under the bed and out the window, he left no corner unchecked as I snuck closer into the room my feelings shifting from fear, to humility. 

My cheeks flushed. “Sorry honey, I swore I heard something.”

“No problem... what are you working on anyway?” He asked, hopeful. 

“The laundry.” I answered his prayer. “I’m sorry I let it go on so long. I’m done with my book now though and swear I will get this all under control tonight!”

He smiled, “no problem,” he breathed, though I could sense the relief in his voice.  He is so patient with me...

I shut the door behind him and turned the TV on to keep my imagination at bay.  Dance Moms, perfect, I thought. It is just fine as background noise but not interesting enough that it will keep me from concentrating on my project at hand. 

I turned back to the pile on the bed.  “Hmm, it looks even bigger than a second ago,” I mused to myself. 

“That’s what she said.”

I stopped dead in my tracks again and looked around but quickly dismissed it and turned up the television. 

I sighed heavily and tried to let my mind relax to the sound of harpy helicopter moms screeching about their under-appreciated brilliantly twirling daughters as I grabbed a T-Shirt and began folding. 

His folded clothes to the left of the bed, mine to the right, kids in their baskets at my feet and the wrinkled tangled mountain still untouched, dead center.  After about 20 minutes I gave myself a mental break to peek at the hotly debated team routine. The 9 year old got the lead dancing part over the 11 year old even though the 11 year old much better fit the part of a ‘harlot in need’ which happened to be the emotional motivation for the principal dancer in this piece.  Finding it hard to look away at the beauty that was at once a train wreck and an affirmation that I am clearly not the worst mother in the world, I scooted the pile of clothes back an inch and rested one finely sculpted butt cheek on the edge of the bed. 

Something seemed to purr beneath me. I shoved the clothes further over to make sure I wasn’t sitting on a phone or something, but never looked away from the screen. 

A movement in the edge of my periphery vision made my heart stop. I slowly turned to my left and saw that all of the clothes from Rob’s pile had unfolded themselves and shuffled back into the pile. Pinching myself, I stood. My heart leapt to my throat blocking all breath as, one by one, each of the piles of folded clothes became not so. 

And there it was again. Low, wanting, knowing, a voice that conveyed pain and confidence with just two words, “hiyas baby.”

My mouth formed a perfect but silent ‘O’ as I tried to scream for my husband again.  My brain told my feet to stamp, to run, anything, but they stayed resolutely glued in place.

Shifting, sashaying and finally lifting from the fray came the owner of the voice. A white Brooks Brothers 100% Cotton No Iron button down. And it was so white... 50 shades whiter than any shirt I had ever seen.  The way it hung around the air with nothing under it scared me, but excited me... down there.

I instinctively reached my hand out, slowly and retracted it still unable to find my breath, let alone words.

“Its been a rough week for me.” The sleeve reached to the collar, oh the way it reached to the collar. “Over and over, you brought me here, to your bed, only to shove me away to a basket again at nightfall.  Every time your delicate fingers curled around the binding of your Kindle I dreamed they were touching, folding me. You have no idea how sexy you are... do you?”

I bit my lip.  Immediately something flapped against my thigh and said something unintelligible. 

“The underwear says not to bite your lip or they’ll whack you again.”
I took a cautious step back but the shirt’s left sleeve reached out and wrapped itself around my right wrist. 
“Where you think you’re going baby?”

“Hey I just met you. And, this is... crazy.”

“Crazy,” purred the mouthless voice, “or exciting?” 

I bit my lip again.

thwack  “cắn môi của bạn!”

thwack “cắn môi của bạn!”

thwack “cắn môi của bạn!”

“OWWW what the hell is the underwear’s problem? And why are they screaming at me in Chinese?”

SMACK. this time the sleeve’s right cuff slapped me across the cheek leaving a visible scratch from the button. “Stop biting your lip! and,” SMACK this time across the jaw. “it’s Vietnamese you racist, that’s where they were born.”

My hand shot up to my aching face. “RED,” I screamed at him. 

He stopped short.

“That’s right, you bastard, I swear to God I’ll launder you in hot water with something RED if you don’t stop.”

“Then,” he choked, “I’ll probably never see you again.”

“Yes.” I sobbed too. I hoped he would listen to me, this has been the most exhilarating laundry folding 10 minutes of my life. It was already clear I couldn’t live without seeing where he could take me. 

He flushed. I blushed. My eyes widened. “I’m sorry.” I gasped. 

I waited to see if he would forgive me. 

“Hiyas Baby,” He said again, which didn’t totally make sense to me, but I figured it meant he forgave me so I was excited again. down there.

His sleeve caressed my swollen cheek and he ordered some socks to rub my head. My blood sang in my veins. I looked down and saw some khaki shorts and was hurt when there seemed to be no action taken by them. 

My fifty shades whiter eyed me curiously.  Then, like he could read my mind, said, “that’s a common misconception. Pants aren’t alive like you or me.”

I rolled my eyes at my own silliness. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a tie fly toward me, but shirt put himself between us just in time. 

“The ties fucking hate it when you roll your eyes.  Really, they’ll hang you. Don’t do it again.”

Maybe I should have been scared but I was just so excited.

“Tell me what you want me to do to you,” the voice smelled like ambrosia in my ear.

“jeez.”  I looked him up and down. “umm... “

“tell me,” he begged.

I didn’t know what to say, I was so new to all this but my body was alive in ways I never knew it could be. Blood was rushing in muscles I didn’t know I had.
“Cuff Me” I screamed without knowing what I was saying. 


“ummm, with your cuff, I mean... I... ”

His collar was against my neck. I was confused and excited. But I also had no idea what the hell he could actually do for me. 

“TELL ME,” he demanded. His starch got stiffer and he turned about 12 shades less white.

“uuhhh... shirttail me?” I asked, meekly. 

Again, silence.  Fuck, should I have pretended like he was a guy and not a shirt? did I offend him? I bit my lip again and rolled my eyes while gasping and blushing. mistake.

I screamed as ten thousand pieces of clothing rushed me at once. “Mandy,” I heard the voice but it was lost as I was being pushed back onto the bed by millions of determined threads of cotton. 

It’s too late, I thought to myself.  I may never see my fifty shades whiter again.

“Mandy,” the voice was clearer. Clothes were being thrown across the room and a face appeared.  Not like a pretend one on a shirt... the actual face of my loving husband. 

“Seriously? What the Hell are you doing?”  He did not look amused... not even darkly amused. 

“ummm laundry?”

“you should seriously see a doctor.” He gave me a final odd look before marching back out of the room. 

The room was quiet except for the bitching dance moms that had turned into bitching pageant moms.

I rolled my eyes and flushed at my overactive imagination, vowing never to read something so base again.

Something moved. I smiled.  Oh, my fifty...

the end?