Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Dear Employer... From a skilled Mom.

Today I dropped off my youngest child at preschool. He will only be away for about 5 hours total in any given week. But the moment I left the school I realized that for the first time in almost 8 years, there will be regularly scheduled times that I will be alone.  

Was I sad to leave my baby behind? Sure. But the overwhelming feeling was one that I had felt before... close to my college graduation.  I had to answer a question I hadn’t even had time to ask myself in close to a decade... what am I going to do with my life?

So, knowing my resume, with an 8 year gap in employment may be less than impressive, I took time to work on my cover letter... what do you think? 

Dear Prospective Employer, 

Though I may not have the advanced degree or computer acumen of many of my competitors. And, though I most likely require a more flexible schedule and more pay as well, I believe I have some unique skills that my co-applicants may not. 

For example, 

I can catch vomit in my bare hands and carry both it and a child 30 feet without spilling a drop.  

Why would this help you? What this illustrates is that I have come to a point in my life where I have close to zero self regard and remarkable problem solving skills. When an issue arises at the office, many may try to shy away. But I will run at the problem and carry that proverbial barf and your company’s good name to safety. 

Next, I have a keen sense of smell illustrated by the fact that I can detect accurately who hath ‘dealt it’ between at least four humans and two dogs. 

Again, you may ask, other than as a party trick, how does this help? Not only in midcheek expulsions, but in all parts of life I have learned to handle and assign culpability with tact and grace. No one wants to be the 'smelt it' tattle tale so to speak, but when someone is around that can spot and handle the guilty party, no matter the crime, with the noblest of ease, parties are more likely to hold themselves accountable and much office shenanigans cease before they can escalate.  

Last, I am virtually unflappable.  I have literally been shit on while in the middle of a budgeting phone conversation and checking myself out at a grocery store. I did not stutter in word nor operation.  Whatever crisis arise, I will stay calm, collected and dedicated. 

Though you may take pause at the year of my last official employment, I hope you will not forget that in addition to the skills I have already outlined, my ‘off the job’ training also made me proficient in multi-tasking, conflict resolution, and lego extraction. 

Oh, and apparently, my lips have taken on a Christ-like quality in that they can relieve suffering and take away the boo-boos.  Frankly, if you don’t want a Jesus lipped vomit catcher, I fear for the future of your company. 

I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmest Regards, 


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