Wake Up

How many times have I promised that I would be different? Whether it is weight loss, drinking less beer, being a better wife/mom/friend or keeping the laundry at bay, time and again I start with fervor only to find myself a failure, promising to try harder next time, and googling the phrase "motivate me!"

When I am really low, I find myself turning more earnestly to God for help. Now... as you'll find out if you stick around, I have an ever evolving relationship with God. 

Lately, it's been not great... my fault of course. Its gotten to where I'm almost embarrassed to pray. It's like He's the cashier at the corner drugstore whom I used to buy cigarettes from religiously... till I quit. Then, when I come back, He welcomes me with open arms and with playful banter about a stressful week I buy a pack. Then I quit, then I buy, then I quit and it gets so ridiculous that I just have to switch drugstores all together.  Except, I've found its difficult to change Gods... that is, if you only believe in one, which happens to be the number I believe in. 

But I don't think I realized how far off I felt until my terrifying dream last night. I died. That part is not abnormal for me, I often die in my sleep... have you ever died? I heard the rumor that you don't because then you'd die in real life or something like that... but I have often died... felt my soul leave my body and all... am I alone here? 

Anyway, I died in a plane crash (first time I went that way) and I didn't feel a thing. In fact, as I rose into the air, I thought I was still in the plane.  But, as I noticed only air was around me, a feeling began to permeate my being and I talked about it, out loud. "I feel an incredible sense of peace and love," and though I can't properly describe or recreate the feeling, I know I felt it in my dream as clearly and tangibly as I feel the keys beneath my fingers now.

But something wasn't right. "And," I continued... "apprehension." and the word itself was like a bullet through wings and my being plummeted. I knew where I was going. As I crashed through the earth, I reached up my right arm in desperation and sang through choked sobs, "To you, Yahweh, I lift up my soul, Oh my God" If you don't know the song, click here... it is beautiful.  I can't tell you the last time I heard it, but in my dream I knew the words, I knew the tune and I hoped that it was my last chance at salvation.

I honestly felt, upon waking, that if I died that night, I may not have a chance at Heaven... whatever it may be.
I was, I am, shaken to the core.

When its gotten so bad that I feel embarrassed to turn back to God and I'm dreaming about going to Hell, I know that its well past time to do something drastically different in my life.

So... as part of holding myself accountable, I'm putting myself out there in the form of this blog. Oh, I can hear your sarcasm... 'you need to alter your life so you... blog?' I understand... I have often labeled bloggers as egocentric wannabe writers who need other people's approval.  And yet... I've always kind of admired them too.  There is comfort in shared stories, and I believe there is growth through discourse.

And there's always been a little needle in my brain digging, insisting that I wanted to give it a go.  So, as another part of trying to live a better life I'm going to start paying attention to those little bugs that won't go away... because maybe, just maybe it's God trying to show me a path.

I don't know if this is the answer. I don't know what the question is... 42? And I definitely don't know where this is going to go. I promise it won't always be this heavy but that's about all I can promise.  I would love to hear from other people now and then... but I'll try not to bug you too much about it.

Thanks for reading,