Forgiveness and the gift of Reconciliation

Over the past several months, I've made errors grievous enough where I felt the need to ask forgiveness from each of my children.

From my eldest, when I forgot to pack a snack for chess club; she mulled the request thoughtfully for a moment and granted with, "It's ok mom, I forgive you, but I was hungry." -forgiveness with a touch of guilt, she'll make a great Catholic Mama one day.

From my eldest son upon getting him to basketball practice very very late, he said, "Gosh Mom, I would always forgive the woman who gave me life! It's just basketball practice, its not more important than family." -sigh, now I know why southern moms dote on their eldest sons like they are made of gold.

And from my youngest when I thought his 'lovey' was in the crib and indeed, it was not in the crib.  He granted his forgiveness like this, "grrr its ok Mommy!!! I call my butt my bootata." and he proceeded to flop on the ground and lift his legs to indicate he needed a diaper change.  forgiveness with a side of ass, that was new to me.

Regardless of how it was granted, each time I sought forgiveness and it was granted, a weight, no matter how small, was lifted and a sense of peace was granted, even while wiping poo off a penis.

Now, maybe it's the Pope resigning, maybe its because my daughter is smack in the middle of First Reconciliation and First Communion, or maybe its because I am part of the RCIA (adults becoming Catholic) team this year, but both Catholicism and our forgiveness sacrament of Reconciliation have dominated many of my conversations of late.

Reconciliation is understandably confusing.  Here's what I get a lot, "soooo, you have to go tell a priest your sins so he can forgive you? that's weird, I just tell God."

Because of the beautiful freedom of the "Yes, and..." formulae for conversations, unless they are actually asking me for knowledge on Catholic doctrine I usually just respond thusly:

"I know, its totally weird and I get nervous every single time that I do it! And though I know I could ask God for forgiveness directly, I feel like its such a gift to get free spiritual therapy!"

Sure, I can put on a brave face, defend my faith and accept the Sacrament as a gift, honestly I do still have a hard time with it.   It is a very awkward thing, to go into a room and tell someone you really don't know well on a personal level, the worst things you have done or your greatest character flaws or the pain you have caused others.  And because of the awkwardness and oddity of it all, I didn't take advantage of it for years and years.

In fact, last year, when I went back for the first time in a long time, I started my session -I'm not kidding- like this:

"Hi Father, I mean Dear Father... wait no, I mean Bless me Father I have sinned... its been ummm I don't know, lots of years since my last confession, oh. wait. I feel like an idiot, am I really supposed to say that or have I been watching too many Catholic possession horror movies?"

yeah, I should've confessed for that opening alone.  meanwhile that poor guy is just staring at me, waiting for me to quit babbling so he can help me get started with the actual confessing.

But once we got past the formalities, my list of sins that I wanted to confess (being an inconsiderate friend, impatient wife, etc. etc.) kind of fell by the wayside and the underlying issues that helped cause my failings came to light and we talked.  We just talked.  It was a visiting priest who had never laid eyes on me in his life and he started talking about issues in my life like he had lived them.  

I don't know why it still shocks me when I get to see little blips of God's grace in my life.

There is little that makes you feel more vulnerable than saying you are sorry and no matter how it is sought or received, there is little more freeing than receiving forgiveness.  And when it is your turn to grant forgiveness not only is it good for your soul, it is good for your health according to Mayo Clinic.

So, my advice is to seek forgiveness if you need it and grant it if it is sought.  You, too could feel the incredible peace that it brings... even if you are in the midst of penis shit.

thanks for reading!

-m












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