A dream about a friend.

"I miss you," I said.

"Remind me your name one more time," he said with a smile.

"Be serious," I tried to be solemn but how could I not return that smile? I challenge anyone in the world to not return that smile.

"I finally figured out how we knew each other." I said,  "I figured it out seconds after I heard the news."

"Yeah, I knew all along.  It was just funny listening to you try to figure it out all the time."

"I miss you," I said again.  "But, why are you here? There are so many people that are broken-hearted and confused.  You need to be with them."

"I am," he assured.

"Just like usual," I told him, "you're making me feel like the most important person around.  But didn't you know how much you were loved? How many people craved being around you?  How many people were there for you?" His eyes were sad but his smile never ceased, just like the night he talked about being a teacher.

"It doesn't work like that," he explained.

"What do you mean?"

He didn't say a word but something clicked and it felt like he thought I had a sliver of understanding because I had once been been lost in darkness.

"You and I got closer every time we saw each other, like our friendship was building and I wanted it to keep building so badly."  I stopped and looked down, this whole conversation was selfish but I couldn't help but add, "I needed more laughter. I can still hear your laugh so clearly.  I wanted more time."

He quietly hugged me.

"Did you think of me?" I cried into his shoulder. "Did I ever come up as someone you could talk to? Someone that would miss you? I was just a blip on the periphery of a beautiful life.  You could have talked to me about your pain and never seen me again.  It could've been our secret. I could've held your burdens for you, if only for a moment."

"Of course I didn't think of you."

"Then why now? Why think of me now?"

"Because you needed me to.  Because the fog is gone.  My confusion is replaced with light."

"You were always a light for everyone else.  You were so bright, so handsome, so merry."

"And I know now that I had light all around me.  But I lost sight.  I see now.  I see the pain I caused and the confusion I left behind.  I want to alleviate as much as I can, but it will take time."

"It's true, you know," he continued.

"What is?"

"That poem you love, except it doesn't mention the course.  And this..." he said as he pointed goofily to his own grin, "this money maker is going to be beams of sunlight shining over a perfect round."

He laughed and the very room became brighter. His eyes gleamed and his smile radiated.

I locked that laugh away for every time I needed it.  We embraced.

And in that moment I knew I loved him, though I had no right to, though it made no sense.  Whether I was drawn to something flawed just behind the bright eyes or attracted to the light of his grin, I knew that he had always been important to me.  And just as I claimed it I started to wake up.

"But wait, wait, I am angry with you.  And if I am this upset, your friends your family, your loved ones that I love... how are they supposed to heal?  You left behind hearts that are devastated."

He was gone and I knew it was just a dream, but it left behind a knowledge I hadn't had before.  I was not angry with him, I was angry with what took him.  And I knew with certainty then that the part I was angry at died.  The demon illness that won in the short term had died that day; but his true light, the light almost too brilliant for this world, lives on.  It brings joy in people's favorite memories and stories.  It inspires songs to be written and friendships to be forged.  It lives in the hearts of those of us who know we are better for having known him.

Even if, like me, we only had the blessing of knowing him for the smallest blip of time.  

And as the morning's sun shone through the windows, the poem he mentioned came into my mind and I knew that it was true...

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there. I did not die. 

Transformation

I've been filled with the love of the Holy Spirit.

And i think it weighs 15lbs. 

I feel as though I have been allowing myself to eat and drink the Lord's word in the Bible more earnestly and searchingly than ever before.  And all that eating and drinking has led to me consuming the love of God, getting fat with inspiration, and getting tubby with grace. 

I've been doing a kind of elongated religious retreat called Women of Grace on how to live a full life as a Catholic woman in today's social climate.  The group is wonderful.  I'm not sure I'm getting exactly what I am supposed to be getting out of it... but it has been a call to me to focus on my prayer life and especially to address my greatest spiritual struggle.  

I have always been spiritual in the sense that I've known there is something else there, something just beyond the veil of our eyes and the understanding of our minds.  I have my share of ghost stories that I can tell to wide-eyed nephews lest they forget who the 'cool aunt' is.  And I've had my share of unbelievable moments of chance, whether they are encounters or visions, that though they could be reasoned away by coincidence, I consider small miracles. 

And yet, where some people struggle with whether they believe in the divinity of Christ, or whether or not they should follow all church doctrine, my greatest struggle has always been... is there a God... really.  really.

And even as I write that, two voices in my brain spout off near simultaneously "of course there is," and "of course there's not." 

I actually have a little cartoon angel and devil talking to me on my shoulders, except instead of being so clearly marked, they are both self-assured identical twins that have the ability to argue their side until the moon turns blue.  Dissenting interior voices can be kind of awesome (I'm never lonely)... but it can also be frustrating for issues that seem more important.  Like, for example, belief in God. 

I let my forbidden fruit breathed voice have roam as I find myself re-examining biblical stories and seeing how important they were as guides to live a healthy life in a time before antibiotics and refrigeration.  I find myself recounting lives of saints and wondering if really all the fuss was necessary and also wondering why on earth would anyone want to be called to be a saint if fiery deaths and early graves tend to be the fashion in those circles. 

And I see people all around me that say they believe in sin do awful... really awful things.  

"Rob," I'll say to my husband, "If people really believed... really really believed, that it was 90ish years here vs. eternity -ETERNITY- in Heaven... No chance people screw up this much.  I mean, really." 

Yes, yes, there is original sin, free will, only human yada yada yada... but what are we doing?  I look around and I am at a complete and utter loss for words at what people will do or say for comfort, popularity or pride and I'm just talking about a night at Bunco for goodness sake. 

And what this course has helped me do over the last several weeks is to finally understand the meaning behind taking the log from my own eye.   

Because what 'we' are doing.  What 'they' are doing doesn't matter.  And whether 'people' believe in God or not doesn't matter.  What matters is what I believe and what I do with that belief.   

And when I quiet myself and drive out fear and pray with love, one voice kindly rises above any other and it says assuringly, "I am here." 

And, I remember something that I knew easily without question once... 

God is kind of amazing. 

I believe.

I believe in God.

And I've gained 15lbs. 

And I'm hoping the two aren't related because I'd like to lose one without the other. 

But I feel really bad about praying for weight loss.  So I signed up for Pure Barre ballet classes instead. 

I'll let you know if I'm a believer of those in a month or so... but I digress... 

thanks for reading, 

-m